By Ruchi Patel (ChE ’18)
How do I survive Cooper and not gain the freshman 50?! Frankie’s and Two Bros are plotting against me because at this rate, if I fail out, I can be a plus size model right now. What should I do?
Nothing! You have to do nothing! It’s a matter of time before you start studying for Wolf’s Mechanics class and/or eat pizza so delish that 2 Bros. makes you gag. Prepare for the freshman -50.
Seeing as how I have to fight 8 other guys to even talk to a girl here, what do you suggest I do to get some action over here? I mean, boys have needs.
HAHAHAHA. Every girl at Cooper Union is, deep deep down in her being, so far down that she doesn’t even notice, a guy. You could transfer to NYU, I guess. I hear they have more girls than boys. And as far as your needs go…well, we can discuss that one-on-one.
How come I never get matched on Tinder?
If you answer YES to any of the following questions, you’ll have your answer:
1.) Do you have other not-so-attractive people on your main Tinder photo?
2.) Are you wearing a football jersey?
3.) Is your main photo a Snapchat screenshot?
4.) Is it a selfie?
5.) Is it some type of anime or cartoon?
6.) Are you wearing plaid on plaid?
7.) Is your outfit different shades of the same color?
8.) Are you wearing a lab coat or lab goggles?
9.) Do you work in the computer center?
10.) Are you Zhengqi?
11.) Do you have braces?
12.) Is your bio more than 4 lines?
13.) Did you try to make a joke?
14.) Did you say something nerdy?
15.) Did you mention you go to Cooper Union?
I’m scared because I might kidnap Bailyn and keep him hostage as a pseudo-grandfather. I’ve never had violent tendencies before, but I don’t know what is happening to me! He’s just too precious!!
SO. TRUE. Take advantage of him. Don’t miss a single class. Just be there, and let him make you happy. Let him brighten up your day. Let him teach you somethin g. Always ask questions. Greet him enthusiastically. Just be really really respectful because he is truly the cutest.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
As free as air and water… both of which are not free.
To have your questions answered by Ruchi, write to firstname.lastname@example.org.