Category Archives: Columns

Ask Ruchi

By Ruchi Patel (ChE ’18)

How do I survive Cooper and not gain the freshman 50?! Frankie’s and Two Bros are plotting against me because at this rate, if I fail out, I can be a plus size model right now. What should I do?

Nothing! You have to do nothing! It’s a matter of time before you start studying for Wolf’s Mechanics class and/or eat pizza so delish that 2 Bros. makes you gag. Prepare for the freshman -50.

Seeing as how I have to fight 8 other guys to even talk to a girl here, what do you suggest I do to get some action over here? I mean, boys have needs. 

HAHAHAHA. Every girl at Cooper Union is, deep deep down in her being, so far down that she doesn’t even notice, a guy. You could transfer to NYU, I guess. I hear they have more girls than boys. And as far as your needs go…well, we can discuss that one-on-one.

How come I never get matched on Tinder?

If you answer YES to any of the following questions, you’ll have your answer:
1.) Do you have other not-so-attractive people on your main Tinder photo?
2.) Are you wearing a football jersey?
3.) Is your main photo a Snapchat screenshot?
4.) Is it a selfie?
5.) Is it some type of anime or cartoon?
6.) Are you wearing plaid on plaid?
7.) Is your outfit different shades of the same color?
8.) Are you wearing a lab coat or lab goggles?
9.) Do you work in the computer center?
10.) Are you Zhengqi?
11.) Do you have braces?
12.) Is your bio more than 4 lines?
13.) Did you try to make a joke?
14.) Did you say something nerdy?
15.) Did you mention you go to Cooper Union?

I’m scared because I might kidnap Bailyn and keep him hostage as a pseudo-grandfather. I’ve never had violent tendencies before, but I don’t know what is happening to me! He’s just too precious!!

SO. TRUE. Take advantage of him. Don’t miss a single class. Just be there, and let him make you happy. Let him brighten up your day. Let him teach you somethin g. Always ask questions. Greet him enthusiastically. Just be really really respectful because he is truly the cutest.

On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?

As free as air and water… both of which are not free.

To have your questions answered by Ruchi, write to pioneer@cooper.edu. 

Volume 95 Issue 1

By Ruchi Patel (ChE ’18) 

This is an advice column and people are supposed to ask me questions to which I offer questionable advice. But I don’t have any questions because this is the first issue of the year! To ask questions, please reach out to me at pioneer@cooper.edu with the subject line “Asking Ruchi.”

Meanwhile, I’ll offer some thoughts without your asking.

If you are a freshman:

Please don’t follow me around. I’m just trying to have lunch in a public space. Really, I can’t help you with your EID 101 troubles. And I definitely can’t relate to them. Why do you need help with EID 101? Stop. Oh my god, stop!

By the way, what are those?

If you are a sophomore:

Why are you complaining about homework? You’re the first and maybe last class to pay tuition. You got betrayed by this school. Don’t do homework if you don’t want to. Don’t even go to class. No one has the right to demand anything from you. Honestly, you’re paying some good bucks, so spend your time here focusing on you. Be a better person. Volunteer in nursing homes. Read poetry for your soul. Don’t give into the scam of a discounted education!

If you are a junior:

I get it. You guys are doing grown-up things like “internships.” Whatever. I’m still never going to forget that time you hit someone with a chair for a pack of Sour Patch Kids. Or when you wrote fanfiction supplemented with anime drawings and posted them on a blog called “Engineering Is My Passion.” Yeah, alright. Grown-ups.

If you are a senior:

OH MY GOD. I’LL MISS YOU SO MUCH! The Cooper Union is nothing without you. Okay, great talking to you! Bye, now. BYE!